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There is a question that I’ve dreaded for most of my life. It’s a question that people continue to ask me. “Why are you single?” or “Do you have a boyfriend yet?” Recently, I asked myself why this always bothered me. I’ve come up with many. The thought that this is some sort of aspiration I should have had as a young girl The implication that I’m abnormal for having no interest in a romantic relationship The expectation that eventually, I will conform to fit in. As I said, there were many. Putting all this aside though, I’ve asked myself a question recently. Am I allowing fear to prevent me from being open to even the possibility of pursuing a romantic relationship? I asked myself this after considering some things. I’ve never been in a relationship or situation ships as I’ve never allowed anyone close enough. I began to think about when this started. I recall working as a catering chef in a downtown hotel in my early 20s. I was doing my daily prep when I saw someone who looked a lot like an individual from my past walk-in. It took a while for me to realize that it wasn’t the person I thought it was. However, the emotional response to thinking I saw that person made me realize some things. For one, I was more affected by what happened between us than I originally thought. This was strange to me considering me and this person were not even friends long or in an intimate relationship of any kind. Why then was I so affected? During this period of time when we were friends, I was so starved for genuine human interactions with people I could be myself with. They were one of my closest friends and we talked about everything together. I never had a friend like that before. Suddenly, they cut me off and wouldn’t respond to any of my calls or text messages. Being the person I am, I grew concerned and worried that something may have happened. I reached out to their cousin to see if they had heard anything and was informed that they had gone on vacation with their family and a new girlfriend. “Oh!” I thought to myself. They’re not responding because they’re on vacation. Or so I thought. Once the vacation was over and they came back… nothing changed. They behaved as if I was an ex-girlfriend they needed to cut off. I was very confused considering, we never dated, or expressed any interest in each other that way. Also, I didn’t treat him any differently than my other friends, male or female. I eventually realized that he reacted that way because although I had no feelings, he must’ve. In order to remain loyal to his girlfriend, he felt it necessary to cut me off. I thought, If that’s the case, fine. But the 360 change really had an impact on me. It felt very disingenuous, the way he went about it. Not only that, when I respected his wishes but to a greater extent, he was upset with me! I stopped communicating with him unless it was in person amongst other friends, I stopped hugging him and would only shake his hand, I treated him the way I thought appropriate for someone in a relationship. Yet he’s over here jealous that I gave his girlfriend a hug and not him! It was at this point that I stopped putting effort into making new friends since this new friendship was such a disaster. I’ve always heard it said that a failed friendship is a lot more painful than a failed relationship. I can certainly see how that is true. It’s painful to have a close friend turn on you or switch up on you just because they’re in a relationship. I’ve had this happen with both men and women… it hurts just the same. You feel this deep sense of betrayal and sadness. Reflecting on this revealed one reason I’d close myself off from relationships. I didn’t think I had the stomach or heart to keep facing such disappointment. I decided not to deal with people altogether to avoid being hurt by them. I stuck to those I was familiar with and comfortable with. And even with them, there was always a distance on my part. I love so deeply that it terrified me. I feared giving such love to the wrong person or being betrayed by them. But it was deeper. I eventually learned that I have AVPD, Avoidant Personality Disorder. Before being diagnosed, I’d never heard of this disorder in my life. AVPD is a disorder characterized by social discomfort and avoidance of interpersonal contact. Someone who has avoidant personality disorder avoids intimate and social contact with others. People with this condition may be extremely shy, fear ridicule, and be overly concerned with looking foolish. As soon as this description was presented to me, a light bulb went on. All my life, I’d always assumed I was just solitary, introverted, or maybe had social anxiety. It never occurred to me that I had an actual personality disorder. I did a ton of research into this. I read books, watched seminars and lectures, spoke to various professionals, and did everything in my power to become as educated on the topic as possible. I wanted to understand as much as I could. I learned that you need 4 or more of the following to be officially diagnosed: Avoids working with others because of fear of criticism, disapproval, or rejection. Doesn’t want to get involved with people unless they are sure of being liked. Holds back from close relationships because they fear being shamed or mocked. Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations. Is inhibited when meeting new people, due to feeling inadequate. Views self as socially inadequate, personally unappealing, or inferior to others. Is reluctant to try new activities because they may become embarrassed. I have all of them and then some. During the evaluation process, I was asked many things. For example, if I’d ever turned down promotions or other advancements to avoid rejection, criticism, or being the center of attention. I have. If the thought of depending on others frightened me. It does. If physical contact made me uncomfortable or afraid. Even the thought of physical contact makes me uncomfortable. It was quite a long process because it takes time to correctly diagnose personality disorders. Also, personality disorders are on a spectrum. Usually from mild to severe cases. After completing the evaluation, it was determined that I have a more severe AVPD. This diagnosis allowed me to understand many things, like my social inhibition, overthinking everything said to me, strong fear, and anxiety in all social interactions (even with people I know pretty well), and why intimacy was frightening and sometimes disgusted me. Before this, I never considered any of these things to be an issue, as it was the norm for me. I remember reading the diagnosis to family and friends who were not even slightly surprised. In fact, all of them said, “Yep, that sounds exactly right!” Until that moment, I always thought their complaints about my solitary and distant behavior were just exaggerations. They all expressed how painful it was that I kept them at a distance. My family always complained that I didn’t show physical affection and when I did, I would cringe, making them feel some type of way. My friend of over 12 years expressed how she had to force herself not to show me physical affection as she knew I didn’t like it. She said, “We’ve been friends for this long and you have never hugged me. Not once.” I was shocked as I didn’t even realize that. They also said how it bothered them that I would rather struggle than go to any of them for help. They felt like I was constantly stating, “I don’t need you.” Even though I truly loved them and they knew that, my disorder made our relationship challenging in ways I previously never considered. It was at this point I realized I needed to get this disorder under control. Later, I also took note of how much the perceived thoughts of others negatively affected me. I would worry about everything I said or did around others. I would overthink every interaction, even short ones. I had such a strong pervasive pattern that it affected every aspect of my life. Once, when I was at an airport, I realized that I’d left my AirPods in the bin at the TSA checkpoint. My fear of being stared at, judged, irritating the TSA employees, and looking foolish for such a mistake consumed me so much that I stood in place paralyzed by the idea of walking back to TSA to retrieve them. I got lightheaded and felt cold. I had to sit down as I was getting nauseous and felt like I might pass out. All this at only the thought! So then, I decided to leave a $100+ pair of headphones just to avoid potential criticism. The negative impact this disorder had on my life was becoming ever so clear. I recall even as an elementary school student on my first day at a new school, a teacher asked me if the way she pronounced my name was correct. I was so afraid of being made fun of for having an unusual name, that I nodded yes, even though she mispronounced my name. Then, I proceeded to go by that name through the whole course of elementary school! When she asked me if I knew where my classroom was, I was so ashamed at not knowing, that I stood silent, paralyzed with tears in my eyes. I started to think back to all the panic attacks, all the times I kept my thoughts or opinions to myself, all the times I turned down opportunities or wouldn’t try new things in front of others, and all the people I didn’t get to know, all out of fear.