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There is a question that I’ve dreaded for most of my life. It’s a question that people continue to ask me. “Why are you single?” or “Do you have a boyfriend yet?” Recently, I asked myself why this always bothered me. I’ve come up with many. The thought that this is some sort of aspiration I should have as a young girl, the implication that I’m abnormal for having no interest in a romantic relationship, and the expectation that eventually, I will conform to fit in. As I said, there were many. Putting all this aside though, I’ve asked myself a question recently. Am I allowing fear to prevent me from being open to even the possibility of pursuing a romantic relationship? I asked myself this after considering some things. I’ve never been in a relationship or situation ships as I’ve never allowed anyone close enough. I began to think about when this started. I recall working as a catering chef in a downtown hotel in my early 20s. I was doing my daily prep when I saw someone who looked a lot like an individual from my past walk-in. It took a while for me to realize that it wasn’t the person I thought it was. However, the emotional response to thinking I saw that person made me realize some things. For one, I was more affected by what happened between us than I originally thought. This was strange to me considering me and this person were not even friends long, let alone in an intimate relationship of any kind. Why then was I so affected? During this period of time when we were friends, I was so starved for genuine human interactions with people I could be myself with. They were one of my closest friends and we talked about everything together. I never had a friend like that before. Suddenly, they cut me off and wouldn’t respond to any of my calls or text messages. Being the person I am, I grew concerned and worried that something may have happened. I reached out to their cousin to see if they had heard anything and was informed that they had gone on vacation with their family and a new girlfriend. “Oh!” I thought to myself. They’re not responding because they’re on vacation. Or so I thought. Once the vacation was over and they came back… nothing changed. They behaved as if I was an ex-girlfriend they needed to cut off. I was very confused considering, we never dated, or expressed any interest in each other that way. Also, I didn’t treat him any differently than my other friends, male or female. I eventually realized that he reacted that way because although I had no feelings, he must’ve. In order to remain loyal to his girlfriend, he felt it necessary to cut me off. I thought, If that’s the case, fine. But the 360 change really had an impact on me. It felt very disingenuous, the way he went about it. Not only that, when I respected his wishes but to a greater extent, he was upset with me! I stopped communicating with him unless it was in person amongst other friends, I stopped hugging him and would only shake his hand, I treated him the way I thought appropriate for someone in a relationship. Yet he’s over here jealous that I gave his girlfriend a hug and not him! It was at this point that I stopped putting effort into making new friends since this new friendship was such a disaster. I’ve always heard it said that a failed friendship is a lot more painful than a failed relationship. I can certainly see how that is true. It’s painful to have a close friend turn on you or switch up on you just because they’re in a relationship. I’ve had this happen with both men and women… it hurts just the same. You feel this deep sense of betrayal and sadness. Reflecting on this revealed one reason I’d close myself off from relationships. I didn’t think I had the stomach or heart to face such disappointment. I decided not to deal with people altogether to avoid being hurt by them. I stuck to those I was familiar with and comfortable with. And even with them, there was always a distance on my part. I love so deeply that it terrified me. I feared giving such love to the wrong person or being betrayed by them. But it was deeper. I eventually learned that I have AVPD, Avoidant Personality Disorder. Before being diagnosed, I’d never heard of this disorder in my life. AVPD is a disorder characterized by social discomfort and avoidance of interpersonal contact. Someone who has avoidant personality disorder avoids intimate and social contact with others. People with this condition may be extremely shy, fear ridicule, and be overly concerned with looking foolish. As soon as this description was presented to me, a light bulb went on. All my life, I’d always assumed I was just solitary, introverted, or maybe had social anxiety. It never occurred to me that I had an actual personality disorder. I did a ton of research into this. I read books, watched seminars and lectures, spoke to various professionals, and did everything in my power to become as educated on the topic as possible. I wanted to understand as much as I could. I learned that you need 4 or more of the following to be officially diagnosed: Avoids working with others because of fear of criticism, disapproval, or rejection. Doesn’t want to get involved with people unless they are sure of being liked. Holds back from close relationships because they fear being shamed or mocked. Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations. Is inhibited when meeting new people, due to feeling inadequate. Views self as socially inadequate, personally unappealing, or inferior to others. Is reluctant to try new activities because they may become embarrassed. I have all of them and then some. During my evaluation, I was asked if I’d ever turned down promotions or other advancements to avoid being the center of attention. I have. I was asked if the thought of depending on others frightened me. It does. I was asked if physical contact made me uncomfortable or afraid. Even the thought of physical contact makes me uncomfortable. All disorders are on a spectrum. Usually from mild to severe cases. After completing the evaluation, it was determined that I have a more severe AVPD.