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Its hard to be me when I don’t know who I am Identify most important factors on which self-esteem depends Strong selves with a clear sense of identity, competence and worth Breakdown of cultural consensus. Disorienting rapid change, a permanent feature of our lives Not to know who we are or not to trust ourselves. We must create it in ourselves What is it? Why is it important? What can we do? What do others do? What contribution? If self esteem is the health of the mind. We cannot be indifferent to our self-evaluation We can run from it, evade it Grasp the dynamics of self esteem or to remain unconscious of them . We remain a mystery to ourselves and endure the consequences We are appropriate to life and to the requirements of life Confidence in our ability to think, cope with the challenges of life and confidence in our right to be successful and happy. The feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and want, achieve our values and then enjoy the fruits of our efforts. To trust one’s mind and to know that one is worthy of happiness. It is more than a judgement or a feeling, it is a motivator, it inspires behavior. In turn it is directly affected by how we act. Causation flows in both directions. There is a continuous feedback loop between our actions in the world and our self-esteem. If I distrust my mind, I am more likely to be mentally passive. When my actions lead to disappointing or painful results. I feel justified in distrusting my mind. With high self-esteem I am more likely to persist in the face of difficulties. I am more likely to give up or go through the motions of trying without really giving my best My view of myself will be reinforced If I respect myself and require that others deal with me respectfully, I send out signals and behave in ways that increase the likely hood that others will respond appropriately when they do I am reinforced and confirmed in my initial belief. If I lack self-respect and I accept discourtesy, abuse, or exploitation from others as natural I unconsciously transmit this and some people will treat me to my self-estimate. When this happens and I submit to it my self-respect deteriorates still more. High self esteem seeks the challenge and stimulation of worthwhile and demanding goals Low self esteem seeks the safety of the familiar and undemanding. The more solid our self esteem the better equipped we are to cope with troubles that arise in our personal lives and our careers. The quicker we are to pick ourselves up after a fall the more energy we have to start anew. The more ambitious we tend to be in terms of what we hope to experience in life. The less we aspire to and the less we are likely to achieve. Self-reinforcing and self-perpetuating The higher our self esteem the higher the drive to express ourselves, reflecting a sense of richness within. The lower our self esteem the more urgent the need to prove ourselves or to forget ourselves by living mechanically and unconsciously. The higher our self esteem the more open, honest and appropriate our communications are likely to be because we believe our thoughts have value and therefore, we welcome rather than fear clarity. The lower our self-esteem the more muddy, evasive and inappropriate our communications are likely to be because of uncertainty about our own thoughts and feelings and because of anxiety about the listeners response. Self-respect is the foundation of respect for others. In intimate relationships There’s is no greater barrier to romantic happiness than the fear that I am underserving of love. Tapped in feelings of deficiency In my emotional impoverishment I tend to see other people essentially as sources of approval or disapproval. I do not appreciate them for who they are in their own right. I am not looking for people whom I can admire and with whom I can share the excitement and adventure of life. I am looking for people who will not condemn me and perhaps be impressed by my persona, the face I present to the world. If you do not love yourself, you will not be able to love others If I do not feel lovable it is very difficult to believe that anyone else loves me. If I do not accept myself, how can I accept your love for me. Unwittingly I become a saboteur of love. Undermine my attempts at relationships The foundation of inner security is not there. I don’t deserve this, it won’t last. Implicit expectations Generator of self-fulfilling prophecies. Self-concept tends to be destiny. What we think we are consciously and unconsciously. Our physical and psychological traits, assts and liabilities, possibilities and limitations, strengths and weakness. Leaves us with an adversarial relationship with our well-being. Unprecedented high level of knowledge and skill but also a higher level of independence, self-reliance, self-trust and the capacity to exercise initiative. If and individual felt inadequate to face the challenges of life, lacked fundamental self-trust, confidence in his mind (self-esteem deficiency) Lacked a basic sense of self respect, felt unworthy or undeserving of the love or respect of others, unentitled to happiness, fearful of asserting thoughts, wants and needs. Self-respect Conviction of our own value. Conviction that our life and well being are worth acting to support protect and nurture. That we are good worthwhile and deserving of the respect of others and that our happiness and personal fulfillment are important enough to work for. To live successfully we need to pursue and achieve values. To act appropriately we need to value the beneficiary of our actions. We need to consider ourselves worthy of the rewards of our actions. Absent this conviction we will not know how to take care of ourselves protect our legitimate interests, satisfy our needs or enjoy our own achievements. Thus, our experience of self-efficacy will also be impaired. If we respect ourselves, we tend to act in ways that confirm and reinforce this respect such as requiring others to deal with us appropriately. We need to act in ways that will act it to rise. This begins with a commitment to the value of our own person. We progressively become aware of our power to choose our actions. With regard to choices that lower self-esteem I think of times when I was unwilling to see what I saw and know what I knew. Times when I need to raise awareness and instead, I lowered it. Times when I needed to examine my feelings and instead, I disowned them. Times when I needed announce a truth and instead, I clung to silence. Times when I need to walk away from a relationship that was harming me and instead, I struggled to preserve it. Times when I needed to stand up for my deepest feeling and assert my deepest needs and instead, I waited for a miracle to deliver me. Any time we have to act to face a challenge to make a moral decision we affect our feelings about ourselves for good or bad depending on the nature of our response and the mental processes behind it and if we avoid actions and decision despite their obvious necessity, that too affects our sense of self. Self-esteem expresses itself in a face, manner and way of talking and moving that project the pleasure one takes in being alive. It expresses itself in the ease of talking of accomplishments and shortcomings with directness and honesty since one is in a friendly relationship to facts. It expresses itself in the comfort one experiences in giving and receiving compliments, expressions of affections, appreciation. It expresses itself in an openness to criticism and comfort in acknowledging mistakes since one’s self esteem is not tied to the image of being perfect. It expresses itself when one’s words and movements tend to have a quality of ease and spontaneity reflecting the fact that one is not at war with oneself. It expresses itself in the harmony between what one says and does and how one looks, sounds and moves. It expresses itself in an attitude of openness to and curiosity about new ideas, new experiences, new possibilities of life. It expresses itself in the fact that feeling of anxiety and insecurity if they appear will be less likely to intimidate them or overwhelm since accepting them, managing them and rising above. It expresses itself in one’s ability to enjoy the humors aspects of life in oneself and others. It expresses itself in one’s flexibility in responding to situations and challenges sin one trusts one’s mind and one does not see life as doom or defeat. It expresses itself in one’s comfort with assertive behavior in oneself and others. It expresses itself in one’s ability to preserve a quality of harmony and dignity under conditions of stress. Eyes that are alert bright and lively, shoulders that are relaxed yet erect. Hands that tend to be relaxed and graceful. Arms that tend to hang in an easy natural way. A posture that tends to be unstrained, erect well balanced. A walk that tends to be purposeful and a voice that tends to be modulated with an intensity appropriate to the situation and with clear pronunciation. Relaxation implies that we are not hiding form ourselves, not denying our feelings and we are not at war with who we are. Chronic tensions conveys some form of internal split, some form of self-avoidance or self-repudiation. Some aspect of the self being disowned.