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Welcome to the Demonetised channel. This channel has content which is adult, profane, ribald, contemptuous, mocking, offensive and bloody stupid, and should not be listened to by anyone. Seriously, mate. Stop now. You have been warned. Today we're going to talk about the republic. There are three reasons to stay a constitutional monarchy: history, hero worship and freedom. First let's think about history. Australia has got a bloody long history when it comes to aboriginal people, but Australia was not a united country before Europeans came. I know it will distress all the inner city pasty-faced lefties who recently discovered they can get a free government grant for a Pilates class and croissant if they identify as indigenous and so have suddenly discovered an indigenous great-great-great-grandcousin-in-law from 1835, but when old Jimmy Cook rocked up in 1770 there were at least 200 different mobs of blackfellahs all merrily raping and murdering each-other. Not because they were inherently worse people than the whities, after all the Europeans were doing the same thing, and still are today. It's simply that Australia is a pretty bleak place, and you without pouring millions of tonnes of fossil fuels into it, you have to be willing to be a murderous cunt to make a living from the land. And of course the blackfellahs were all speaking different languages with different traditions and ideas. Rosseau's noble savage they were not, let alone a united country. That came once we all got under the Crown. Let's think a bit more about history. Unless you're indigenous, in Australia we're all boat people. The First Fleet was setting out and the British government offered free land, equipment and food and slaves in the form of convicts for the first two years, and after scouring all England they found a massive total of five people who wanted to come. And three of them pissed off back home on the Second Fleet. The convicts had been given a choice between hanging and transportation to New Holland, and most of them had to think about it a good while before sighing heavily and getting on the ship. And of course the Royal Marines guarding them didn't have any bloody choice, either. After the convicts came the migrants. First the Irish came. They were quite content eating their spuds, knocking back their whiskeys, getting into drunken brawls and having eleven children, but then the Blight came and wiped out their potatoes and millions of them died, and so they decided that even Australia must be better than that and moved on. As the years went on and England went through recessions everyone who was broke or hiding from the law decided to hoof it down here. Then the World Wars came along and a few mad buggers decided the best way to be remembered in history was to murder millions of people, and the more foresighted of their victims moved on. Then Greece had a civil war, then Vietnam, then Lebanon, then Sudan, and there were also communists, and so on and so forth. The consistent pattern we see here is that just about everyone who came to Australia didn't really want to be here, it was just _slightly_ less awful than where they came from. Remember that poem? "I love a sunburnt country, A land of sweeping plains, Of ragged mountain ranges, of drought and flooding rains" - and this, boys and girls, was written by some mad cow who liked the place. That's all most Australians have in common, that we don't want to be here. Except the Aboriginals who wish the rest of us would just piss off, but it's too bloody late now. That's history, Australians have a common history of being the reluctant rejects from other countries. But that's not really enough to bind us together as a people, we need something a bit more. The best thing is to nick some other cunt's history. Ideally it'd be aboriginal history, but again - 200 different mobs makes it a bit tricky. That pretty much leaves British history. And the personification of British history is the monarch. All that pomp and ceremony and all that. If we became a republic, we'd be tossing all that out.