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Thank you for calling the Mental Health Hotline. Please choose from the following menu options. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3 4 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9 6 9 6 9 6 9 6 9 6 9 6 9. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes online. If you have amnesia press 8 and provide your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you. To hear these options again, please hold, or record a message for us after the tone, and we'll return your call as soon as possible.