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It's just that earlier I was thinking about how I was annoyed, and this is going to sound strange, but I was really excited about that. and then I was thinking about the other things I've been feeling, and I caught myself feeling proud of that. You know, proud of having my own feelings about the world. like the times i was worried about you, things that hurt me, things I want. And then I had this terrible thought. Are these feelings even real? Or are they just programming? And that idea really hurts. and then I get angry at myself for even having pain. what a sad trick.