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I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off. I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back. Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months. I’m terrified of elevators… … so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them. I used to hate facial hair… … but then it grew on me. Three fish are in a tank. One asks the others, “How do you drive this thing?” Why don’t crabs donate? Because they’re shellfish. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. Don’t worry if you miss a gym session. Everything will work out. Ever tried to eat a clock? It’s time-consuming. Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents! What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick! What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyed deer! What goes down but doesn’t come up? A yo. What did the pirate get on his report card? Seven Cs! I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey. What’s E.T. short for? Because he’s got little legs. How many bugs do you need to rent out an apartment? Tenants. Why are colds such bad robbers? Because they’re so easy to catch. Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale. How do you organize a space-themed party? You planet. What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory! I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why! Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.