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How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.” What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team? Because she kept running from the ball! What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike? Attire! How many ears does Spock have? Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear! Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs! How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents! What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y! What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows! What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener! How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Tentacles! How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it! Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind… it’s tearable. I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw! What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? “Supplies!” You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless! Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. What did the buffalo say when his son left? Bison! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.” What do you call a fish with no eye? Fsh! When is your door not actually a door? When it’s actually ajar. I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.