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Stone the flamin’ crows! Is my old pen pal Michael McGrath really turning 30? It’s been too long you great galah! I hope the years have been kinder to you than they have to me. When I didn’t get a reply to the last letter I sent you all those years ago I went on a bit of a bender and ended up going down the wrong path in life. The trouble started when I snook some of my old man’s Frosties from the fridge, and got myself shit faced. I stole the family car and drove out to a wildlife reserve where I tried fighting a flamin family of kangaroos. The rozzers showed up and I got arrested at just twelve years old. Since then it’s just been one thing after another. I got a Sheila pregnant when I was 15. Apparently Australian law isn’t very clear about impregnating your cousin so everyone thought it best that I make myself scarce for a bit. So, by the time I was 16 I had been kicked out of home and was living on the land. I decided to move to the outback where I made friends with a Koala named Blinky and a kookaburra named Mikey, who I named after my old pen pal in Ireland. After a few months living off the bush I got noticed by an aboriginal tribe who captured me. Originally it seemed as though they wanted to eat me, they even put me in this giant pot over a big flame. At the time I couldn’t help but wonder what my old mate Mikey McGrath was up to. If only he had responded to my letter maybe I wouldn’t have gone off the rails and ended up in this great big aboriginal pot, I thought. My luck changed for the better when one of the senior members of the tribe pointed out that I was too skinny to eat. They decided to eat my best mate Blinky, instead. Although I was devastated that they’d eaten my best mate, I couldn’t help feeling a little relieved. They decided to make a slave out of me instead and made me do all the jobs that the Aboriginal folk didn’t want to do such as pulling crocodile teeth and skinning snakes alive. I lost the odd finger while trying to pull crocodile teeth, and over time my own teeth started to fall out due to malnutrition. However, after a few short years under captivity, I managed to escape when I came across two strange Englishmen called Ant and Dec randomly walking around the bush with some television cameras. I couldn’t believe my luck when they offered me a whole plate of kangaroo testes and crocodile penis. It was the best meal I’d had in years. My luck soon ran out though, the helicopter crash landed just on the outskirts of the outback, I managed to survive the crash but as I was making my way out of the bush, I felt this unmerciful pain in my left foot. ‘Stone the flamin crows’, I shouted, when I looked down and saw that I’d been bitten by a big flamin tarantula! As my foot began to swell up and my head started spinning, I thought to myself, ‘this is it, my life is over and I still haven’t heard from my old pen pal, Mikey McGrath’. The last thing I remember was a squelching thud as my head hit the ground and landed right in a big pile of Kangaroo dung. I woke up in a hospital bed surrounded by my family who were all holding their noses and looking at me as though I was completely despicable. It wasn’t long before the stench hit me too and I began throwing up all over myself. Apparently I’d been in a coma for 6 months but anybody that tried hosing me down would begin puking because of the putrid stench of fermented kangaroo dung. I’d lost my left foot to the tarantula bite, and I have the occasional seizure but other than that I was okay. After a few months in rehab I took a job at an Irish bar. Every time an Irish person would walk in I’d ask him about my old pen pal Mikey but most of them just snickered at me. I met a new Sheila while I was working there and we have a kid together named Mike Blinky. He’s a dead ringer for his old man except he has more teeth, fingers, and feet than me. Anyway, long story short I went back home a few weeks ago to visit my old mum and I came across one of the first letters you sent me. So here I am writing to you on your 30th birthday. Happy birthday my old pen pal! I hope it’s a good one. Looking forward to hearing back from you, hopefully a little bit more promptly this time. You’ll have to let me know if your cat, Puddy ever had those kittens, I’ve been dying to find out! Best of luck, Your old pen pal!